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[ keeping his head in his hands, he peers up at her through the cage of his fingers. shaking his head, he's smiling; she may be able to tell from his cheeks, even if his smile is hidden from her view. if winning makes her happy, then he's happy, even though he's not looking forward to her bragging rights for the rest of the evening. ]

[ he's grateful he hasn't slipped up on the more deeper words. as quick as he is to run away, barry knows what he's running from. ]

[ lifting his head from his hands, he rests his elbows on his legs and slouches. ] What will you do with your victory, Miss West?

[ she is totally 100% gonna brag.

#slay ]

I'm glad you asked, Mr. Allen. I plan to start with — [ her voice trails off as she brings herself to her feet. nowhere near as fast as barry, she takes her time in walking over to her desk. she comes back with the basket of goodies he left on her doorstep, and sitting back down with them. ]

— victory food. [ she lifts up a brownie in his direction. see? she'll even share. ]

[ watching her stand, barry remains on the floor. his eyes follow her as she walks to her desk to retrieve those brownies he'd brought her. he thinks to quickly flash to turn off lemonade, but he remains where he is, cross-legged and following her with his eyes. ]

[ he smiles, and almost laughs. he turns his body around so he can face her properly, hands on his legs and perhaps looking a bit more boyish with the way he sits. ]

You plan to start with a victorious brownie? Is there going to be a dance?

Maybe when we get to Formation.

[ now there's a victory dance if the world's ever heard one.

#iris west came to slay

once the teasing fades from her expression, her smile softens shortly after. she breaks off a small piece of the brownie and tucks it into her mouth, letting the chocolate melt on her tongue. there's a moment of silence or two, and she looks up again. ] I missed this. [ just doing normal things with her best friend. ]

What?

[ barry rocks where he sits, suddenly becoming restless with energy he hasn't used. sitting and thinking of words and their meanings and possible associations had kept him busy. trying to peel back what iris was both saying and not saying had him wrapped up in watching her expression and trying to pull apart her tone. but now the game is over, barry's almost childlike again. ]

Eating brownies?

[ barry's all restless energy, and iris is so steady, in contrast. there's little that would stay her hand. she is never one that keeps from acting when she needs to, but who she is at her core is so unfalteringly steady. she gives a small, harmless scoff at his response. all she's done since she got to wonderland is eat brownies.

it's a good thing she found the training center. someone teach her how to wield a sword. ]

No. Hanging out.

[ without anything earth-shattering happening immediately after. ]

[ all that restless energy that makes up barry — the flash or the person, sometimes he's not so sure where he once began and where the flash now ends — seems to disappear, albeit slowly. it isn't a quick drop in movement, as he slows in his restlessness of shifting around, drawing his knees to his chest while his legs are still crossed, hands moving along his legs from his kneecap to his ankle. he settles by taking his previous position on the ground, cross-legged and looking at her. ]

[ quietly, ] Me too.

[ being the flash had interrupted almost every aspect of his previous life — the life he thinks he still holds onto, but often shoves inside the closet for the cowl he decides to wear. he doesn't want to be like oliver, playing two roles, becoming caught up in the whole persona of a playboy who isn't true to who he is anymore. hanging out with iris is who barry allen is, it's how the flash had begun — and he's started to forget that. ]

[ unfolding his long legs, he pushes himself up. with his hands raised above his head, he stretches, and he's sure he hears a crack somewhere. ]

That's why we should have a croquet game. A real one. [ he looks at her pointedly and arches his brow. ] You still need to do nerdy things with me, right?

[ the day of the particle accelerator being turned on had been his nerdy day, and it'd been the last one they'd shared together. it feels like years ago since she's made fun of him for what he likes and what she doesn't mind being dragged along to. ]

[ the answer to that question is of course.

there isn't a date iris west won't cancel. there isn't an argument she won't make if it gets barry out of work, or persuades her father to see his side. and there aren't many nerd things she would refuse to partake in. she doesn't need to share his interests to support his enthusiasm.

it begs the question: has iris west ever accompanied barry to a comic con? ]

Depends on the nerdy thing.

[ she unfurls to her full height after barry does, not that her height is anything impressive. she's all of four feet and four inches, more than well accustomed to barry towering over her even with heels. shortly after, she plops on her bed. the day is catching up to her. ] Do you even know how to play croquet?

Do I know —

[ he scoffs. of course he doesn't know how to play croquet. barry dislikes all sports save for running and sometimes basketball and baseball. he's not athletic by any means, preferring to be all brains and less brawn. but he pretends — and horribly so — that he's the best croquet player in the room. ]

[ pulling his shoulders back, it's easy for him to look down at her with an arch to his brow. challenging and almost incredulous, if not for how iris can read him and know he's being as excellent as an actor like a brick to the face. he walks over to her bed and sits on the edge, almost tentatively, before he becomes comfortable within a second and falls back against the sheets. ]

Of course I know how to play.

Uh huh.

[ amusement thick in her voice, iris turns sideways to face barry when he falls back against the sheets along with her. her hands are splayed over her stomach and her gaze lingers on him with that amusement, eyes twinkling in response to it. she really did miss this. ]

My aim's pretty good.

[ this is a warning, barry. if y'all play croquet, iris would take no prisoners. ]

[ staring up at the ceiling, barry notes how it lacks any glow in the dark stickers. he liked them best in his room; able to peer up at the galaxy before him without needing to open the window, he found the dark wasn't so scary if he could notice the stars glittering in the sky. he stores that away as a reminder for when his room is cleaned from the dark matter in his room. ]

[ turning his head, he laces his fingers together on his chest, before he stretches his arms above his head. ]

I'm pretty quick. [ she may have better aim, but he knows he's got the speed — quite literally, too. that impatience that often overtakes him seems to have only been amplified by being struck by lightning. he gives her a pointed look. ] The game may be over before it even begins. Just a friendly warning.

I wouldn't be too confident.

[ speed or no speed, iris west is a force to be reckoned with. and if he really wanted to win fair, he wouldn't use his superhuman advantage, she's just saying. an amused expression flits across her features, eyes closing as he stares up at the ceiling. a lot of things concerning science go over iris' head, and that includes stars and galaxies and universes. barry explains it in a way that she understands. the universe never seems so big or scary then.

she breathes in deeply, shifting on her side, allowing some of that heaviness to sink into her bones. ]

I just might surprise you yet.

[ iris always surprises him. he thinks he'll be surprised when she doesn't. ]

[ he looks back up at the ceiling, a little aware she's looking at him. for a good portion of his life, all he's ever wanted is her attention. now that he knows he has it, barry wants to shy away from it. if this is what it's like to feel invincible, he's not so sure if he knows how to wear it. the speed force had made him feel cocky and overconfident at first, but when that had simmered down, he'd been able to listen to his instincts and the impulses that wouldn't lead him astray. ]

[ with zoom, they told him to create a time remnant. now, they tell him to enjoy the moment, even if he finds himself wanting to bury his face away from her. that invincibility he felt in joe's dining room had been something warm and comfortable, and though he feels it now, he doesn't want to voice it. he can't, and he won't. ]

[ he remains on his back when he thinks to turn his head again, pressing his cheek against the linens of her bed as he looks at her. ]

[ playfully, he narrows his eyes. ] You talk a big game, West. [ he taps her hand with the back of his own. ] Can you deliver?

[ iris doesn't have to open her eyes again to know he's being playful. she can picture the look on his face perfectly: the mischief, the glint in his eye, the sunshine smile. her lips pull at the corners, much as she fights a smile of her own, cheek sinking further into the pillow. iris west never feels invincible. surrounded by the impossible while remaining decidedly human, she's mindful of her own fragility in a world that makes heroes and villains out of men.

she isn't brave because she's invincible. she's brave because the odds have never stopped her. ]

I always do, Barry. [ she unsuccessfully fights a yawn. ] I always do.

[ her eyelids are heavy. it comes suddenly, without waiting. she doesn't say anything else after that, silence filling the room. it's comfortable, at least to her, and it isn't long before iris is dozing off. she forgets there was a victory to celebrate. nothing truly feels much like a victory these days as it is.

(and she's still waiting for barry to come home.) ]

Edited 2016-07-07 06:57 (UTC)

[ she may yawn, but barry shifts on the bed like he has all the energy in the world to spend. like a man-whale, he pulls himself up so he's properly resting on a pillow, dropping himself hard enough onto it to cause waves. still lying on his back, he keeps his head turned to her to watch her slowly succumb to how tiring her victory must've been — or simply how she'd overworked herself in a worry about the dark matter and him. ]

[ he's never had a doubt iris west can't deliver. it's why he places all of his belief in her. he'd never believed much in himself, but finding that blog of the streak written by an anonymous who sounded much like the one person he admired more than he does han solo and leia organa combined had instilled in him the values he supposes he exerts now. building the flash mantel on justice and helping those who can't quite help themselves, it'd all been iris west. ]

[ but he can't quite fall asleep like her. despite closing his eyes, he's still slightly restless. remaining uncharacteristically still on her bed, he doesn't try to grab his book, doesn't flash to another portion of her room, and he doesn't wish for something to occupy his hands. instead, he glances around her room to memorise it, seeing which portions are iris west and which ones are of someone he's still getting to know. ]

[ instead of trying to spark her into talking again, barry just remains on his back, looking up at the ceiling. for as long as she's quiet, he stays still, and perhaps that's enough to overpower the flash who can run up walls and stay up for hours and days at a time and lead him, at least, to a very human-like nap. ]

[ her sleep is dreamless.

iris has never been quite as restless as barry, though her drive and her energy are still nothing to underestimate. earlier, she asked him if he'd slept any because she's been worried about him. it wouldn't be the first time barry pushes himself to some kind of brink; partly because he's punishing himself, partly because it will all come crashing down on him if he stops running. how can anyone survive the impact? but iris knows it's coming. it's only a matter of when.

her sleep is dreamless, but it isn't deep. she stirs when barry's restlessness reaches her. iris is surprised he dozed off along with her, considering. a hand gently rests on his shoulder, fingers digging into his skin faintly. ] Barry?

[ unlike iris, he is not dreamless, and she is beginning to see. ]

[ barry's always been restless. always running from people and his own thoughts, barry's never quite stayed still. even when mom had sat on the edge of his bed to read him the runaway dinosaur, he'd shifted his legs beneath his blankets while his hands remained still on top of his sheets. ]

[ he's quick at everything — from reading to thinking to his metabolism and his feet, barry's always run a mile a minute. and he's always crashed as quickly, too. at his lab, on the couch, at star labs and on a desk he's chosen to temporarily claim as his own, he's always slowed down for a few minutes or long stretches of hours, but he's even running then. ]

[ he easily runs from any dreams he has, and he does so now. it'd been sharp and bright as he'd been running, but as iris shifts, he seems to follow. he hadn't been lying when he'd admitted her voice would always bring him home. ]

[ it's with a jerk he doesn't acknowledge that barry withdraws his arm he'd unknowingly thrown over iris. scrunching up his nose, he shifts from his side and rubs his eyes hard with the tips of his fingers. ]

You snore.

[ she doesn't, but barry knows what she's going to ask, where she wants to go now, and as groggy as he is, he's quick. he's the flash. but it's a learned behaviour he's only carried on into his superheroism. barry allen's always been quick at evading anything that could tear a singularity into his own universe. ]

[ her endless patience means iris isn't easily frustrated by barry's deflective tactics, persistent though they may be. it does mean she'll ignore his light accusation in favor of searching his face. (besides, eddie would've told her if she snored, wouldn't he...?)

iris is worried about barry, and that goes without saying. she isn't the only one, if caitlin's silent agreement is anything to go by. wells probably would be too, if he wasn't from so early in their timeline, and thus more reserved than usual. the blankness of barry's room, the aggressive cheerfulness in the face of his grief — his unwillingness to let any of them in, even a little bit. the closer he gets, the farther she feels from him.

and it's not the first time it's happened, either.

a hand gently catches barry's forearm, and her expression mirrors that gentleness. ]

You were dreaming.

[ she wouldn't need to state the obvious, if he weren't being so evasive. how much longer can she ignore he's hurting? ]

[ barry looks to where she's touching him. it's almost like he doesn't feel it, as though she's reached out to brush her hand against an arm that doesn't belong to him. but he doesn't move his arm from her grip or tucks it into himself. if anything, he lets it hover, and moves it back toward her. ]

[ he hasn't woken up beside iris in a long time — sometimes he suspects that'd been some sort of vivid dream in itself. there are moments where barry's not so sure what's real and what isn't. wonderland's made him wonder what's true and what's false — is this a part of the speed force? or something else entirely? — but iris' touch has always been grounding, and he finds even a mere brush of her fingers before they become solid and strong against his arm is enough to make him realise that this isn't him falling down a rabbit hole as he sleeps. ]

Sorry.

[ he glances at her, then his arm. avoiding looking at her, he doesn't particularly want to talk about this — he suspects patty may have told iris about the nightmares she'd confronted him about. it's not something he's wanted either west to know for the sake of making sure neither spend too much of their time worrying over him. ]

[ he forces himself to stretch, back arching, a foot bumping into her leg. ]

I didn't mean to. Guess your bed's just comfortable.

It's okay, Barry. You don't have to be sorry.

[ her voice is barely a whisper, like anything louder than that will shatter the moment and he'll pull away again. her palm settles on the low of his back, and slips upward in soothing and circular patterns. iris isn't thinking of her conversation with patty, specifically, but much of what iris said during that conversation still holds true: barry can be guarded with his feelings. he believes he is protecting others from his pain by shouldering it entirely on his own.

sometimes joe will look to iris as though she is the answer, but she isn't, really.

the answer is lost somewhere in the pages of a book called the runaway dinosaur. ]

And you don't have to tell me, even if I wish you would. [ even if she thinks he really needs to talk to someone, and not just about his nightmares. it may not be her he can talk to, when all is said and done; she'll learn to make her peace with that if it's the case. ] But I'm here.

[ he knows that, doesn't he? ]

[ it's instinctual to want to pull away. he wants to roll over, slide out of bed so quickly she can't catch him, and bounce off the walls in an effort to ping pong her into another topic of conversation that's much lighter. but barry feels heavy from her gaze, and his feet, despite being powerful, feel weighted for once. he has one shoe on; he knows what it says on the toe, but he feels like he's failing incredibly. ]

[ after a long moment of being still, barry comes back to himself, and rolls over onto his back. lifting an arm to press the back of his hand against his forehead, he looks up at the ceiling and refuses to glance at her from the corner of his eye. ]

[ he remains like that, as though his hand on his temple will somehow shield him from her. the shadows used to scare him because of what they hid. now, he finds that he would rather disappear into them. and that's where he had tried to fold himself into, back when the singularity had formed, when ronnie had died and the city had almost gone with him. he'd effectively pushed her away for a good six months, but there'd come a moment where he felt her digging her fingers into his skin. he knows, in this moment, he worries of her unlatching them. there'll come a time where those he pushes away take it as their turn to leave, and barry, despite the hardships he's faced in being vulnerable, doesn't want that. ]

[ there's only so much patience he can expect from iris west, and he suspects he's almost used it all up. ]

[ voice quiet, ] I was just thinking about Zoom. I'm supposed to be the fastest man alive, but I can't — [ he presses his lips together and inhales deeply through his nose. his fingers shift against his forehead, but barry remains purposefully still. thinking is easier to say than dreaming; zoom haunts him wherever he goes, from the corridors to his head, but it seems much softer, like he's in control, if he so much as chooses to think on that speed demon. ] I couldn't run like I can run now. And I still failed at saving them. [ he shrugs his shoulders in an attempt to dislodge it all from himself. ]

[ if only it were that simple.

the shrug of a shoulder, the waving of a wand. sprinkle some magic dust and poof, all their problems solved. is it any wonder children cling so viciously to fairytales? a place where the hero does win the day and the villain pays his justly dues. a place where happily ever afters are possible, and nobody ever gives up on anybody. iris said she would wait for him, and she meant every single word. she wants him to have what he needs at any given moment. but it may also be there is nothing left to wait for someday. there's only so many miles you can run before you lose sight of the road ahead. this isn't, after all, a fairytale.

zoom was defeated eventually, but he left too much shrapnel in his wake. iris will choose to rebuild, each and every time. ]

We all made those choices together. As a team.

[ he needs to stop hogging all the blame. he needs to stop turning himself inside out, but things are never that simple. iris said something similar when wells placed the blame squarely on barry's shoulders. always the first to jump in defense, iris. the first to remind none of them are blameless. ]

Barry, I know ... there will be days ahead where things feel really dark. I know there are places you go that I can't always follow. But when you come back from them, I will be here to remind you you're not alone. That you can do this, when everything inside you tells you that you can't.

[ sometimes barry wonders if the flash who disappears in 2024 is him — this him, with the dead parents who were murdered by two separate speedsters, with the history of growing up with joe and iris. from what thawne had revealed to him, there's a barry out there in the timeline who had grown up with both nora and henry, and had somehow found his way back to iris, even though he's not too sure if there's a world where he hadn't met iris so early in life without her leaving an imprint on him. ]

[ thawne had come after him, chasing after a lightning bolt to strike him, running through time to destroy his hero's life — she speaks of a team and the choices they made together, but he knows that they had been forced to make those decisions because of him. a him who may or may not be dead, a version of him that he may be destined to become in ten years time. ]

[ he doesn't say it, though. barry may like to run from how he feels and be out of touch with how to process those emotions, but he knows if he says it to her, it's placing another grand world onto her shoulders for her to bear the weight of half of what burdens him. ]

[ remaining still, he looks up at the ceiling. her words stick to him, even though he may act as though he's stone and they're bouncing off him. it's on the tip of his tongue to confess to her what he had been intending to do — fill that void in his life by travelling back in time to save mom, and subsequently dad, because thawne had also filled him with the hope that if he had grown with two parents instead of none, he still would end up here, he'd still be with iris — but he bites it down with any response that may follow. ]

[ barry turns his head to look at her, fingers person against the side of his face. he thinks he nods his head, but, in truth, he doesn't quite know. doesn't know how long he looks at her, if it's for a short time at all, before he moves — toward her, instead of away from her. rolling onto his side, he lets his arm slide along her waist as he shifts toward her. pressed up against her side, he rests his head in the crook of her neck. ]

[ it's bold of him, but barry finds it feels right — he may not be feeling invincible, but he knows how he feels around iris. and, for now, he's so tired of running from her. ]

[ ♪ unsteady - x ambassadors.

iris could never close her arms, or her heart, to barry.

her whole body practically sighs into his the moment he moves toward her instead of away, iris wrapping her own arms around him to bring him further in. there is so much that she can't shield him from. there are so many ways in which she cannot rescue him, for all the other ways in which she has. she cannot protect him from his grief or his anger, but she can protect him from his loneliness, so long as he allows her. that's all he has to do: just leave the porch light on, and she can do the rest.

wordlessly, she sifts her fingers through his hair at the nape in slow, rhythmic patterns. her eyes close to push away the warm sting beneath them, feeling the brush of his nose across her neck. her heartbeat is steady and constant against his own chest, something clicking into place as their limbs tangle.

she doesn't know what. something, somewhere, for sometime.

iris says nothing for the rest of the night, fingers continuing their soothing strokes into his hair, the quiet enveloping them soon after.

for tonight, it's enough. ]

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