accelerate | ( OPEN POST )

[ It takes Cisco... an Amount of time to work his way up to it. There's no getting around that. Everything is a mess.

He can show up for city-saving like a professional, and he can drag himself through all the motions, he can do the things that he knows he has to do. But the rest of the time he's busy feeling like his life is made out of damp sand. Every time he tries to scrape it together into a cohesive little lump, something crumbles, or the tide rolls in, or something.

Metaphors are hard.

He's as hard-up for metaphors as he is for wanting to be or have company.

So. It takes the time Amount.

The thing is, Cisco's not stupid. Well, he's never been stupid. In this specific case he means he is also not stupid-stupid.

He knows what he's doing re: Barry isn't helping. Not him, not Dante, not Barry, not anyone. He knows what he's doing is just... beating a sad, hollow-feeling, dead horse and going in circles. Never feeling better for it. Never having his whole heart in it.

Pretending not to know that doesn't make it less true.

You get tired of arguing with yourself when you know the truth the entire time. You get tired of missing someone who keeps making it really clear that he wants to be around for you.

(What happened to Barry's mom only happened because Barry sent Thawne back to the future, and he only did that because keeping Thawne around was straight-up killing Cisco, and Cisco knows it, and he knows once upon a time he wanted Barry to do exactly what Barry did, gave him the full blessing, and--

And he's tired. And he's sad. And he's sitting alone in the dark on his couch in the middle of the night thinking about being tired and sad, and he can't compartmentalize away the part of him that just keeps going why are you doing these things if you know all that.

Maybe he's a little bit stupid, because he can't come up with an answer.) ]

can we talk? it's not a trap so that i can yell at you again ftr

[ Like any cool person, obviously texting is the lead-in. ]

[ well, if cisco wanted to yell at him, he'd take it. there's a reason why barry doesn't particularly fight anyone who decides to yell at him or remind him of the fact his decision to go back in time has changed little bits of the current timeline.

his decision didn't affect him, not in the same way it's affected iris and joe, cisco, caitlin, and even diggle.

barry's quick to reply back, since he's sitting on his couch in the dark, trying to catch up on his reality tv shows where the drama is pettier and not even relatable anymore to his drama. he wishes he had the same problems as the kardashians. he wishes someone had hit him with a louis vuitton handbag. ]

Definitely.

[ what's he going to do? tell his best friend he doesn't want to talk to him? if cisco wanted to call him up to remind him his brother's dead because of his choice, he'd let him. it's what cisco needs, and it still means cisco's technically acknowledging his presence.

if cisco wanted to talk to him like they did pre-flashpoint and then get mad at him the next day, that's fine, too. he much prefers being able to talk to his cisco. flashpoint's cisco was strangely offbeat. ]

You can capslock at me if you want to. I hear that's sometimes good.

[ he also sometimes reads it as excitement. ]

[ And like Ol' Faithful, Barry's TV binge schedule remains the same. That's good. Cisco was taking a gamble banking on that. Not that he sees why it would have changed, but, hey, weird times. ]

nah that's not my style

[ Cisco leaves it there for a bit. The next part is the harder part. He has to keep stopping and thinking. Does he really think that, is that really what he's feeling that way about, is that true, is that right-- it goes on like that.

He has to keep coming up against the clear edges of that ragged emotional black hole for perspective. It hurts. But it's still perspective, as long as he remembers not to fall into it. Reads the sign that says "look out for the flashpoint pit," which he didn't see the first time because he was finally starting to fill in the "it's not ethically okay to ask Barry to change the timeline for my brother" pit.

What's the good of being a nerd if he can't compartmentalize a little when he needs it now? ]

i'm sorry i mean i'm sorry i'm saying sorry in a text message, i can say it in person but i'm also just sorry first of all

[ now that he has super speed, barry's impatience has been amplified. but with cisco, he waits. he knows there's more to come. ]

You don't have to be sorry.

[ if barry understands anything, it's grief. if he understands anything about grief, it's how unfair it really is. it's been over a decade and he's still in that living room of his old home.

but he's had his closure—sort of. cisco hasn't. ]

About being sorry.
Or being sorry that you're sorry.
Or being sorry about saying sorry over text.

[ man, it's sometimes difficult being them. ]

I'm sorry that you're sorry.
And I'm sorry that I'm completely destroying this word of any meaning.

My apologies.

yeah the apology hull got breached there, dude. shields are at 40% and falling

[ Even emotionally-fraught, awkward texting is easier with Barry than anyone else. They speak the same nerd-shit language.

And when he's not jumping down the painful rabbit hole, Barry being Barry, like always, helps so much more than it grates. ]

i do need to say it though. i haven't been good since dante like i'm probably not gonna be good for a while i guess you know how that feels but i know it's not something that you DID to him you know? i know it could've gone down the same way no matter what the timeline situation was i know that's how accidents work

[ He still gets those flashes, sometimes, of a life where things went differently. Where his brother is alive and they're working out their stupid brother issues.

If he tried, he could scan through the multiverse for a bunch of Earths where Dante's around, he could follow those all the way to the center of the eerie vibe spider web. He could find worlds where Barry's family is alive, hell, where Ronnie is alive, where there was never a particle accelerator, where, where, where--

There's no amount of fishing around that would change this reality.

(There was never a "notice his brother in imminent danger less than an hour away" vibe.) ]

all i've been doing is trying to turn you into my weird grief lightning rod and that's not fair you didn't exactly skip back because you were thinking stuff through and having a great time i guess i just thought mad would be easier to handle than dealing with the rest of this but it turns out being mad REALLY sucks, barry

[ Don't worry, Barry, the text floodgate opened post-haste.

broke: what dctv did
woke: friends who are both grieving talking like grownup friends about their problems. ]

[ ooo, man, good way to try and make him cry. he's barely holding it together, man. don't do this. ]

I don't really want you to be sorry for anything, Cisco.

[ cisco's right, barry definitely knows how it feels… but he's at a loss when it comes to someone dying of a natural way or via a muggle-caused accident. his parents have both died by something almost supernatural. there's no reason why dante died other than being purely unlucky. this is territory barry doesn't quite know how to navigate.

he'd been tentative and gentle with iris and joe with francine, but this is a whole other kettle of fish. this is cisco. ]

I would be upset, too, if someone refused to go back and save my mom or my dad. I've been upset for way too long that I don't know what it feels like to not be.

I am sorry Dante's gone. I really, really am.

[ more than anyone. he does feel responsible, even if he didn't sit with time itself and decide who lived and who died as a sacrifice of his choice. ]

I said no to going back and saving him because I don't want you to have to deal with the ramifications of that choice. That's worse than anything. I wish I could go back and fix everything because I would do it in a flash.

[ he writes that on purpose, btw. ]

But I don't want to do that because who's to say the Ramon we lose isn't you?
That's not a risk I'm ever going to take. If that makes me selfish, then, you know, I am and I'll wear it.

[ Cisco and Barry battle their natural inclination to cry on their couches. It's a little bit of a losing battle.

He lets Barry get the whole texting bulk out there. A little bit because it's just good manners after Barry let him dump a million messages out there. In the vast majority, because he does just plain wanna know what Barry has to say about it all.

The anger is still there, the knee-jerk irritation. But removed from all the overwhelming in the moment-ness of doing this face to face, the thinking time that he got in already, the extra time to think before replying... if he doesn't get anything else out of this somehow, at least he can say for sure now that it really isn't Barry he's been mad at. Well, not after the initial "I'm sorry, I can't go back for Dante" bomb dropped.

That was definitely him being mad at Barry specifically. Even logically knowing it wasn't exactly justified. He'll own up to that.

It's still weird thinking about it. You grow up with no friends, getting bullied, always feeling like a second-best son no matter what, and then one day you've just kinda got a friend who thinks you're too important not to know.

(That didn't turn out to be a shady murderer from the future. Eat shit, Thawne.)

The universe wants us to be bros and everything. ]

i know. i think the day you're ever actually selfish is the day hell freezes over. me playing the selfish card doesnt make it true it's kind of a problem actually if you give like you're worried what happens when you stop, i think what happens is you emotionally dry out like a raisin and then i have to explain how i'm best friends with this doc brown looking dude it's not you i'm mad at. i just went out of my way trying to make it so there was something i could blame you can't really yell at the universe in general even when you have superpowers. that was all me. that was my bad. i threw fuel on the fire instead of backing you up. it isn't gonna happen again. i'll rehydrate your raisiny ass myself if i have to.

[ If a Cisco doesn't use humor to cope and deflect is he really Cisco? Polls are out. ~~caitlin's gonna turn them all into enough of a set of emotionally drained raisins.~~ ]

if it weren't for you my parents would be down 2 kids instead of 1 right now anyway one big awkward "cisco got murdered" fest. i didnt forget that either. it means a lot to me that i mean a lot to you. you mean a lot to me. hence the apologizing

I wouldn't make a very good raisin. I don't think it'd match the snatch suit you made for me.

[ also "the raisin flash" sounds like a really bad name that he doesn't tell cisco. he doesn't want cisco to hate him for putting that down into actual permanent writing. ]

I forgive you.
Like a well-watered raisin.
So stop apologizing or else you'll become wrinkled and wither up and it won't be fun because I cannot be friends with a raisin.

That's where I draw the line, dude.
Unless you can still be a raisin and marathon things, then I withdraw everything I've said. Do you still have fingers if you're a raisin?

[ he tries to be funny but this is why cisco is the "funny friend" and barry is the "tall friend". ]

Now I realize you didn't mean you'd become a literal raisin.

[ his reading comprehension remains in tip top shape. ]

I wouldn't have let you get murdered, btw. Then I'd have to invite Oliver over for everything and he's really just not even in the same league as you when it comes to being funny.
That is something I will not stand for.
Oliver thinks "LOL" is "lots of love".

So, I guess I'm selfish there.
I have very hard friend standards for people to live up to.

[ at least cisco wouldn't hijack his wedding. ]

if you got raisined in my suit i WOULD be mad at you. so i'm not against making a pact against shriveling up physically OR emotionally. cover our bases. the forgiveness is appreciated. you're not getting out of a hug just bc we're on the phone. i'm remembering it.

[ The fastest man alive and yet, at times, so slow. Cisco really does love him. A stupid emotional text conversation riddled with grape metaphors is a balm on his soul after the past few months. ]

i mean to keep the metaphor going, oliver is too far gone into emotional raisinhood to be in my league for sure. imagine being that jacked and handsome and not even bothering to be emotionally available? it's a waste.

[ Let's establish this as the timeline where olicity tries to hijack the wedding and Cisco steps up like "stay in your lane and sit your thot asses down, does this look like a public affair to you" and everyone agrees with him bc they too have had Enough. ]

Edited (i forgot an important part) 2020-06-29 04:03 (UTC)

[ this is why cisco is the best: he is his best man. barry has and will always make a good choice when he picks cisco to be his anything after iris. ]

Do you really think he's jacked and handsome?

[ that makes barry a sad raisin. not that oliver shouldn't be able to be jacked and handsome, it's just… would cisco vote for oliver over him in the ultimate jacked and handsome superhero awards? ]

I think he's a bit of a shrivelled up raisin, in all honesty… Imagine not being able to let anyone have the spotlight, Cisco. I say this with complete confidentiality between you and me. I am invoking the Barrisco Lock.

Oliver didn't even text me to tell me what he thought of the latest Kardashian episode. He promised me he would! I can't deal with this guy. We can't be friends anymore.

you have eyes, you know he is. but being all shrivelled up inside knocks him down a few points. can't even keep his promises. what's not to like about taking some time to enjoy the height of rich people drama? it distracts you from real people drama. oh i guess all his drama is technically rich people drama though? too close to home for him? he could pass some of that cheddar my way and see how the other half lives, just sayin

But are we poor people drama or just people drama? Could we be rich people drama considering I kind of inherited the lab? And by association, as my best friend, you are also an inheritor of the lab and Thawne's blood money?

[ this is spiralling. ]

Do you think Thawne ever worked a job? How did he get so much money?

[ was harrison wells really that loaded? ]

vanderpump rules drama. a ton to keep track of, we never learn our lesson, but our apartments are pretty sweet. honestly i just assume he came into existence fully formed and ready to steal. shady business from top to bottom. a little sneaking around stealing stuff from people with ideas, a little advanced interdimensional tech on the patent, a little bad vibes time travel, set for life. between our powers, we could be bill gates rich if we decided to do crimes. like apart from technical vigilantism which is a crime.

Do you think there's a version of us out in the Multiverse where we are criminals? Maybe you vibe people off of bridges and I erase them. Maybe Iris is in on it too and covers it up with her reporting! And no one would ever figure it's us because we have awesome tech and your brain.

This got dark. I'm so sorry.

it's cool. there was a compliment about my brain in there so that helped. if there's a world where we're ALL criminals we're probably killing it? i try not to do pulling strings and peeking behind the dimensional curtains about that stuff. you know how it is. Multiverse FOMO is real when literally everything's possible.

( OPEN POST )

in this house we fix s3 characterization

you can stay here permanently until i kick you out bc you've compromised me.

:')

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you are free to toss this in the trash if you're no longer interested! sorry for taking so long.

tenderly squishes your face and also barry's face and also your cats' faces

💖 squishes your face and your dog's face and picks your pocket

💰💰

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